by in
As I relax at my hydroponic farm in Vinewood, I am surrounded by a sweet aroma of flowers, the sounds of fans circulating the air above my crops, and the feel of competition in the wind. Our new IPMC FIGHTNIGHT Champion, Road Captain Aatex of Paleto Bay, is with me as we observe the fresh batch of Klown Kurse I have ready to deliver to my buyers. He reminisces over his horticultural past as we share the first doobie roll of this fine strain. “I had some blue dream last year. It was really good, I’m thinking about getting another farm.”
The Champion has been Paleto Bay’s Road Captain for a little over a year, being the anchor for Paleto Bay News’ now always Sunday edition. He mostly trains with the left arm pumping action, holding a bottle of whiskey. “Blood sweat and beers” appears to be his preferred training regimen. He achieved Champion status fighting the Bigfoot from Down Under: Gunsynd, in an exhilarating finals match at IPMC FIGHTNIGHT 2: live at Vinewood Bowl. “Sasquatch put up a pretty good fight. You did good, son. Better luck next time.”
The next planned FIGHTNIGHT will take place at the Eternal Vinewood Cemetery on Sunday October 5th, 2025 at 2pmEST. Sgt.Neon Musk, the former title holder, lost his championship in a second round 3-Way Dance against Vice President Ali and Gundsynd to vacate the title. He believes it was rigged. “The match was a clear attempt to dethrone the champion.” Feeling targeted for his lofty position as the most paid member of the Punks, He will cash in his title rematch clause. “I’m going to put Aatex in his place. That silicone horn is a weapon and I don’t see how it’s not considered cheating.”
Going forward in an attempt to bait him into attacking, and lower his defenses, Sgt.Neon believes that “It’s going to be a short fight.” Violence at the graveyard doesn’t bother him, as he’s not very religious. However, he is making plans to visit Shrimp who passed away a few years back after Battle Eye came into existence.
With the breaking news of the title match set, the last two survivors of the Knife Fight Battle Royale will square off in the first round for a chance to face the winner in the second. The two heads of Paleto Bay, President Ziotika and V.President Ali will spill more blood for the chance at glory. I got the chance to catch up with the President during her training montage.
“My training method,” The former champion tells me, “is following the steps of a man on the Internet who refers to himself as ‘Fist of The Dog Medicine’.” Looking it up, I found several videos where the subject lights a match with his calloused knuckles, breaks baseball bats with his shins, and shatters ballistic skulls in four punches. “Everyday he sprays TUF FOOT on his hands. A product meant to strengthen and protect paw pads. My fists have become extra calloused doing this routine and I believe they’ll put me at an advantage.”
Being President for a year and 8 months (in an ongoing attempt to to beat President Payzman’s streak) has an advantage of calling the match type: 2 of 3 downs to keep it interesting. “Ali, you have many titles. Ali the Bully, Ali the Meanie, and Ali the Liar. You know what doesn’t lie? THESE HANDS!”
Approaching V.P. Ali for this article, she has requested the presence of her lawyer in answering my questions. I assume it is to be sure I don’t paint her in a villainous light, but as an objective journalist, I can only write the truth of the answers in this article.
“SK: How long have you been VP of Paleto Bay?
ALI: I believe I have been P.VP for a year. Although I was previously a DP.VP for a year and a bit.
SK: What’s your training regimen like?
ALI: Meme has been attached. Ofc its taken at Neon’s penthouse and ofc my bodyguard is re-enacting it, as I am busy at Neon’s Whorehouses. (this meme could not be uploaded to the website)
SK: With all the evidence of muggers under your employment, do you think you will be able to come out on top without help?
ALI: No comment – My lawyer has advised against me answering this question.
SK: Also, being part of the match that dethroned the champion (Sgt.Neon Musk) and successfully winning the knife fight for #1 contendership before the Sgt cashed in on his rematch, does she feel she’ll be able to pull off the win on Sunday October 5th?
ALI: Of course I will win. I don’t need to rig my fights unlike some billionaires do. EAT THE RICH!”
SK: Any words for your opponent in the upcoming 2 out of 3 downs match?
ALI: That Stinka owes me my Officer wages, my hundreds of Steam Decks and therapy sessions of all the abuse my boss Stinka has caused me. She challenged me to this fight so it’s time for me to take out ZikZok the Meanie.
It seems V.P.Ali has her priorities set going into this bout. The relationship between Sgt.NEON and herself is a peculiar one, since if she wins the grudge match in the first round, she may indeed be fighting the billionaire that has allowed her to train inside his penthouse, using his gym and Sprunk Machine. I will not comment on the possibility of payoffs one may receive to throw the fight, as that would create a subjective idea.
With the overflow of anticipation for the pair of first round main events, another spectacle will take place on Sunday, October 5th. The Gauntlet will push 2 fighters in the starting bout. As one fighter falls, another will take their place, immediately attacking the winner. This will continue until there is only one competitor left standing. The prize? A number one contender spot for the next FIGHTNIGHT event scheduled on Sunday, November 2nd, 2025. This contest will test the endurance of everyone involved and become a true proving ground for championship status.
The Eternal Vinewood Cemetery has been the final resting place for many in San Andreas over the years. On Sunday, October 5th, 2025 at 2pEST, we will add more bodies to the grounds and raise the dead in the name of glory and honor. We can expect a tumultuous war within the ranks of the IPMC, as we soak the graves in our own blood.
Be there or be square, cause you won’t be… a round.
-Sktch D’Klown
all complaints or emails to the author can be made at ComplaintoWumpy@Yahoo.com
