by in
The Infernal Punks has a proud history online. Whether it be from becoming featured as Rockstar Social Club’s Featured Crew, Keeping the spirits of Oblivion at bay in Tamriel, or Rooting (and tooting), in America’s Old Wild West, there is a lot to be proud of in this group. I, your humble reporter (and possible court jester), have made it my mission to research as much lore in this group as possible for the means of becoming enlightened to its past. The history of this group is painted in harrowing and heroic tales of Champions and Patches that have shed blood and tears within turbulent times that leave us with tumultuous tragic tales, though often, these stories have a beautiful ending.
The one person I’d like to commemorate in the crew is our violent Vice President of Paleto Bay, Ali the Warmonger, and that’s not a title I just gave her or anything. No, Ali earned this position through her escapades in fighting on behalf of this crew for years. Her second attempt as V.P., she once led Del Perro with that same title, before going nomad for around a year or so. It seems much like the former VP under the 43rd American President, she is definitely our incarnation of the Bolstered, Bloody, Bureaucrat.
She seems to know the exact moment when to send unprompted single sportsball pics to her fellow patched members, making sure to not violate any rules that keep them from our attention during our ‘once-a-week’ meetings. Sometimes, a stray may fall through the timeline, but she would never do this during church would she? Thoughtful as always, these are just tests to keep us all on our toes. As a sponsor myself, and a former prospect of course, I know just how steadfast she is to quiz us on the importance of staying focused, and making frequent trips to the ATM.
It was maybe not even a month ago that our goddess-graced Vice President was called into court to answer for these “crimes” against her fellow crew. While it was proven that she did, in fact, send these muggers to all(ALL) of us, it also proved that because she wasn’t the one committing the crimes, she could not be charged with anything. With many in the crew believing (and swearing) that our sweet cherub of an administrator Judge E-Rock was bribed by our V.P.I happen to believe the case was settled correctly. She did not commit any of these muggings, attempted or otherwise, but she sure has a good friend named Lamar Davis, who for the right price will get almost anything done for you. Some lessons she just has to teach, herself.
From what I have been told Ali plays much more than just GTA, though. She’s an avid Peaker and a weekly visitor of Balder’s Gate. Why, I personally know several people who accompany her into certain rooms in Repo. At this moment, I have been faced with 4 separate accounts of people who have been coaxed into a room by Ali and coerced to look into a toilet, only to have it flushed in their face, followed by a deep guffaw of laughter. Look I don’t play Repo, but why would our VP do this?
What has she been up to recently? Sources tell me identity fraud is on the rise thanks to her efforts. There were just three examples I was aware of. The first came when she began boasting about being ESO’s own Speaker, Jess. With an advertisement subheadlined under The Elbow Lounge, you could imagine my surprise when I noted that Jess was not actually in there. She tried to spin it in a way that changed Jess speech, but nothing could cut through the guttural laugh that followed. In another instance, she had written articles with subjective speech and posted them up upon the website under the name of one SirWumpyFlump, a beloved member of both communities. If that weren’t enough, she has even taken the identity of her own best friend and president of Paleto Bay, Ziotika.
Is this just how Ali is, though? As a recreational psychologist, I have seen this type of behavior. It may be a rare form of untreated schizophrenia where the person will be whoever they want to be just to feel accepted. After so much blood and killing in the past, It very well cannot be helped. All we can do is tell her all the time how much we love and value her presence in every voice chat she chooses to step into. Maybe that will help her to feel more comfortable? Or does this stem from her surroundings?
The British Empire is many things. Through a history of sacrifice and exploration, they’ve built this world we live in with pride and haste. Its country was led in its more formative years by a monarchy inbred to the most perfect proportions to keep their bloodline pure from anything other than pure English. No, the British born will to conquer everything they see in sight surely has no mind on our glorious Paleto Bay Vice president. For much like us Americans and our love of guns and double-bacon cheeseburgers, there is a love for colonization and self preservation that comes with the mind of a British person.
One thing I will never understand about Ali after my few months of knowing her, is Ali The Liar. How did she get that name? As an objective journalist, I have no intention of painting Ali in a negative light. However, this was her name when I first appeared into the Infernal Punks discord. Accompanied with this, I’ve tried to find good stories about Ali along with all the tough love. Does nobody sing her praise, does nobody fall upon the earth with their knees penetrating the sand, throw their hands up into the sky with a watery eye, and scream, “Thank GAAWWD for ALI THE TRUTHER!”??
I don’t think I’m going to start today. Look, Ali is many things, but she is our Paleto Bay Vice President. In no way, should we label her a criminal. She totally shouldn’t be questioned why she has so much power while committing so many villainous actions toward her crewmates. It’s totally unthinkable that we should even mention the smell of death that seems to linger every time she’s around. She just is, and we love her for it.
Be safe Readers. As always, two whoops and a badonkadonk to you
-Sktch D’Klown
Patched, Paleto Bay
All suggestions, remarks, or comments to the author can be made at ComplainToWumpy@yahoo.com
